posted 03-23-2007 05:54 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by lostladyknight:
The other day, I had to go to the bank and I sat in the car for twenty minutes preparing myself. I had to think about who I'd approach, what I'd do if I got caught in a line. The problem was, I was afraid of being around strangers. It's getting really bad. I hate being around strangers if someone I'm not with someone I'm comfortable with. It's getting out of control though, like to the point that I avoid it at all costs. I wait to go grocery shopping until a friend asks for a ride, first day of classes is terrifying, I sit in the back, away from people. I won't wait in line for things like autographs at shows, because I'm afraid someone will touch me, or bump into me, or something. I'd be induced into conversation, which would lead to... well I don't know. I'm just scared. But basically... every time I get close to a stranger things change. I hate change, and I'm always sacared, always afraid of them. I don't know why... it's like my guardians. I'll never stop being afraid of them. So what should I do? Should I keep protecting myself? Should I try to break myself of my fear? I just don't know.

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posted 03-24-2007 09:00 AM            

-- End pointless ramble.

posted 04-06-2007 09:42 AM               

quote:

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Originally posted by Rhiannon18:
Okay does anyone know any great soprano broadway audition songs?

I can not find one that is good for my audition coming up....anyone know any good songs?

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posted 04-12-2007 06:46 PM               

My parents insist on throwing me a graduation party, much to my chagrin, and asked where I would like to have it. I responded with Zen Palate, a Vegetarian/Asian restaurant. They said no, mainly due to the fact that no one else in my family was a vegetarian and they think it is rude.

posted 04-28-2007 05:25 PM               

Anywho, now I feel extremely vulnerable. Like now that I have this "secret" off my chest I should be doing something about it, or... I don't really know. I've been very anxious and cannot get my thoughts straight. I have been very prone to just randomly crying when I can't even put my finger on why.

I don't think it is abnormal to have to cry, but it's my birthday and I can't stop crying and having panic attacks. If anyone can find a question in all of this, such as what am I supposed to do from here. Or personal experiences to share that might help me... I'm sure many of you have gone through coming out. (also, just as a side note, my parents do not know, only a few people who I trust not to spread it around like it is the hottest gossip).

Also keep in mind my entire highschool has 400 kids and the tiniest rumor spreads like wildfire.

posted 04-28-2007 05:58 PM            

If you are having a persistant anxiety issue, you could tell your parents about that, and ask to see psychologist about it. You wouldn't have to tell them why you suspect you're getting panic attacks--you could just say "I'm anxious all the time and I'm not sure why. I think it might help to see someone about it, just to help work it out."

If they can get you to see somebody, tell your psychologist everything that you think might be triggering your anxiety--including the issue concerning your sexuality. A psychologist CANNOT tell your parents if you tell him/her something like that, so you wouldn't need to worry.

You might think it extreme to suggest finding a psychologist, but anxiety really sucks, and finding a good professional to help you work out of it really helps. When I was a freshman in high school I had a wicked bout of anxiety--I couldn't sleep, I had panic attacks, and I was terrified all the time. My mother found a psychologist who turned out to be wonderful. Just talking to her about my problem helped immensely, and my anxiety resolved itself. Occasionally it will still threaten to flare up again, but I now have to peace of mind to keep it at bay.

So....

Way back then the issue wasn't my sexuality. I have never kept my bisexuality a secret, but at the same time I have never felt that everyone needed to know it. One's sexuality is something one only talks about with close friends anyway, whether one is bisexual, gay, or straight.

So, no, you don't have to "do something" with your "secret" when it comes to schoolmates.

Now, I was always open with my parents, as well. Could it be that you are anxious because they don't know? Are you worried about how they would react? I am definitely leaning toward advising that you eventually sit them down and tell them.

Being bisexual can be a lonely business, too. Maybe you feel isolated? When I was younger I often felt quite alone. Because I was such a "nerd," it was reading literature for/about bisexuals and bisexuality that helped me feel a sense community and a sense of validation.

I highly recommend the book "Bisexuality in the United States" as a start. It is a college-textbook type book, a collection of essays dealing with various different aspects of and perspectives on bisexuality.

posted 04-28-2007 06:22 PM               

As far as telling my parents. I don't know really what to do. I realize that eventually I'll have to sit them down and tell them, but is there a certain time span when this should be done. I trust my mother and don't think she would judge me about it, but I can't see myself just up and telling her.

Reading what you had to say really helped me to sort out my thoughts even if I'm still not sure what I want to do at this point. That's half the battle for me because it just got to be so much that I couldn't even tell why I was upset.

posted 04-28-2007 06:27 PM               

I'm not sure how all my friends found out that I was bi, but suddenly they all knew. We talked about it for 2 minutes, then it was never mentioned again. When I see them I'm always aware that it's there, and occasionally if I am alone with someone they will mention it, like they feel they have to. I can tell they don't want to discuss it, so I give short answers and change the topic, and I can sense their relief. Out of all my high school and college friends there is only one person who I feel comfortable talking about it to, because she is genuinely interested. I sometimes did feel like I should be going to gay bars and getting with girls every weekend, but my friends didn't do that with guys so what's the difference? I'd known I liked girls as well as boys for at least 2 years before everyone found out, and I'd only kissed one girl. Once. And no one knew about it.

I came to university in September and right away I was open with everyone about my sexuality. If people don't ask I don't shove it in their face, but it got discussed in the first few weeks here (like every subject under the sun does when you suddenly find yourself living with 5 strangers!). A guy next door is gay which kind of helped - we're really close and he practically lives in our flat now. He also showed me gay clubs, and they are amazing. Everyone I'm close to here knows who I am and there's no problem with it. I think it's different when you tell people you've known for a long time, because they think they know you and then suddenly things shift a bit.

I'm not quite sure where the point is in all this - I just thought maybe it would help to know what other people go through. My parents think I'm straight and I don't think I will tell them otherwise, unless I fall in love with a woman. I'll see what happens.

posted 04-28-2007 07:02 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by MusicalTheatreObsessed:
It's probably unhealthy but distracting myself from it seems to help a little.

I trust my mother and don't think she would judge me about it, but I can't see myself just up and telling her.

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No problem.

Sometimes you have to shop around for a good psychologist. But it's good that the one you had before was able to give you some tips. And distracting yourself is actually a good strategy when it comes to anxiety attacks, although obviously one would like to get to the root of the problem and get rid of the anxiety altogether.

posted 04-28-2007 07:08 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by munchkin:
The other thing about being bi is getting shit from gay people as well as straight people - they think you just can't choose. I don't really care. I am who I am. Only this afternoon I discovered "pansexuality" or "omnisexuality" and to be honest, I think that describes much more how I feel. If I tell people that they won't even know what I mean.

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That's the worst part, I think--many people in the homosexual community don't even acknowledge bisexuality as a viable identity. They think we're in denial. I had a friend once who treated me like that, he would speak patronizingly to me when my sexuality came up, and it was so damned frustrating.

It is interesting that you should mention pansexuality--I call myself a pansexual when I'm with people who know what it means, but you're right--to the average person it's just confusing. I call myself "bisexual" because it is easier for people to understand, but I actually do have a bit of a problem with the prefix "bi." I believe psychological gender and even physical sex exist on spectrums rather than in dichotomies, just like sexual orientation.

posted 04-30-2007 02:04 PM               

So, I was wondering... I've been feeling all kinds of pressure to live up to a lot of people's expectations, to be something everyone else wants me to be. However, I'm really starting to question if it's what I want. I mean, I have standards for myself, but because of all the pressure people are putting on me I'm starting to feel smothered by my own standards.

Should I compromise my standards, in lue of a bigger goal, their goal? Or should I focus on my own standards, and give up on everyone else's goal? I'm pretty afraid that if I keep trying to do both I'm going to burn myself out. I'm pretty sure I've already started to burn myself out.

I went out the other day... and I made mistakes... I did things I kenw I shouldn't and you know what? It felt GOOD. It felt so nice to drink like it was okay. It felt nice to climb on the hood of my car and feel it going, to feel the wind on my skin, and the power of the engine under my body. It felt good to have done something a little dangerous. But is that okay? Is it okay to have wild nights like that? I mean, I've never done anything like that before.

I'm just afraid I did the things I did the other night, because I'm burning myself out. Because I'm starting to... lose myself in some front of this perfect girl everyone wants me to be. I'm not who I want to be. Who I want to be is beautiful, and daring, and though she's smart, that doesn't define her.

So maybe this is more of a huge/long rant about how I'm feeling, but I'll sum up with my questions.

Should I live up to others' expectations? Or should I try to live up to my own?

Is it okay to go crazy?

What if I really am getting burned out?

Anyway... yeah. Thanks guys. I loves you!

posted 04-30-2007 04:12 PM            

Alright, so I decided to ask my question:

How do you know you love someone?

posted 04-30-2007 05:44 PM               

Like... picutre yourself, with two kids, driving to the beach. Who's that guy behind the wheel?

I dunno... that may only work for me... but I haven't found him yet, the guy behind the wheel. Maybe some people find it easy to picture a specific person, but for me I know that when I see his face in that seat next to me... I'll know it's right.

posted 04-30-2007 07:33 PM               

quote:

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Should I live up to others' expectations? Or should I try to live up to my own?

Is it okay to go crazy?

What if I really am getting burned out?

Anyway... yeah. Thanks guys. I loves you!

[/B]

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Live up to your own expectations. The people who love you will be with you whatever you do. You can never be happy if you're always trying to please someone else.

posted 05-01-2007 10:52 AM            

With that said, I will agree with MTO and say that it's okay to be wild, but always make sure your safe. Doing dangerous things may be fun, but if you're not looking out for yourself at the same time, you could get hurt, and that wouldn't be putting yourself first. Everything is okay in moderation.

Now, to St. A, everyone has a different definition of what love is. In my honest opinion, if you have to ask yourself, or anyone else for that matter, how you know when you're in love, then you're not. Simple as that. When you fall in love, you know it. You won't have to ask yourself, "Is this what it really feels like?" because more often than not, one assumes they're in love and often times ends up highly disappointed. I am a person who believes in different types of love, and different scales. I've been in love twice in my life, but both of them have felt very different. My first love was when I was 15. Yes I believe love is capable at a young age, though I think my love for him developed over time and wasn't instant. I dated him for 6 1/2 years. My second love is my current boyfriend, and we've been together now for over two years and we moved in with each other a month ago and I've never been happier. I've learned that my first real love was more on a platonic level. He will always hold a place in my heart, however, I just didn't feel that tug in my gut whenever I thought of him. He was just... there. I used to believe in love at first sight, and a part of my still wants to, but I'm just not sure. I didn't love my first boyfriend instantly, because I didn't know enough about love to really understand it. It took probably a good year to really fall in love with him. Now, on the other hand, my current boyfriend was much faster than that. I fell in love with him after maybe a month of just hanging out, before we really started dating. Seems fast but we spent so much time with each other, that it was very easy. I knew everytime I saw him from far away and thought to myself, "He likes to spend his free time with me... I'm the luckiest girl in the world." I couldn't help but smile everytime I thought of him. And there was always the "butterflies", that feeling deep down in your stomach that you get whenever you see them, think of them, kiss them. It really is an amazing feeling.

But my point is, with both instances, I didn't have to ask anyone "What does love feel like?" or "How do/will I know if I'm in love?" You just... know.

How cliche.

posted 05-01-2007 04:24 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by lostladyknight:
So, I was wondering... I've been feeling all kinds of pressure to live up to a lot of people's expectations, to be something everyone else wants me to be. However, I'm really starting to question if it's what I want. I mean, I have standards for myself, but because of all the pressure people are putting on me I'm starting to feel smothered by my own standards.

Should I compromise my standards, in lue of a bigger goal, their goal? Or should I focus on my own standards, and give up on everyone else's goal? I'm pretty afraid that if I keep trying to do both I'm going to burn myself out. I'm pretty sure I've already started to burn myself out.

---

You need to find a happy medium. What is it, exactly, that other people so firmly expect of you? If they expect you to take a certain career path, for example, you should definitely follow your own heart.

But if people are expecting you to be "good"--or sober--that is because they care about you and want you to respect yourself. If your own "standards" allow for you to go out and get smashed and do physically dangerous things, you need to do some introspection. Are you really being youself, or are you caving into the pressure in the university environment to "go crazy?" Do you have friends who expect you to get drunk with them? Would they object if you didn't?

When one is drunk, one is not oneself. Period.

For me, substance-use is one of the few areas in which I am completely "straight-laced." Yes, I have drank, more than once, but never in excess--I was never drunk, and never wish to be--and frankly I didn't like it. I didn't like the taste, and I didn't like the idea of what it could do to me. I value the ability to control myself, I value the strength of will that I possess, the keeness of my senses, the quality of my judgement.

If your idea of fun, or of an escape, is to get drunk, and possibly to do dangerous things, why is that? What are you using the buzz to hide from? What truly "dangerous" or revolutionary acts are you avoiding by riding around on the roofs of cars?

Now, I have no use even for "social" drinking, and I firmly believe that if you need a drink to have fun where you are, or with your particular companions, you need to realize that what you're doing isn't actually fun and neither are your friends.

But, if you feel the need to have one or two drinks every now and then--even though if I knew you I would ask you why you need them and why you aren't really addressing your problem(s) instead of staving them off with a buzz--that is your business. I believe in freedom of choice; even if you want to get stone-drunk that is your business. But whether you are free to do it or not, you shouldn't.

Respect yourself enough to value your self-control, and your strength of will, and your keeness of sense, and the quality of your judgement. And respect yourself enough to have fun, and to be "dangerous" and spontaneous, on your own.

posted 05-01-2007 04:37 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Plant a Note:

Now, to St. A, everyone has a different definition of what love is. In my honest opinion, if you have to ask yourself, or anyone else for that matter, how you know when you're in love, then you're not. Simple as that. When you fall in love, you know it. You won't have to ask yourself, "Is this what it really feels like?" because more often than not, one assumes they're in love and often times ends up highly disappointed. I am a person who believes in different types of love, and different scales. I've been in love twice in my life, but both of them have felt very different. My first love was when I was 15. Yes I believe love is capable at a young age, though I think my love for him developed over time and wasn't instant. I dated him for 6 1/2 years. My second love is my current boyfriend, and we've been together now for over two years and we moved in with each other a month ago and I've never been happier. I've learned that my first real love was more on a platonic level. He will always hold a place in my heart, however, I just didn't feel that tug in my gut whenever I thought of him. He was just... there. I used to believe in love at first sight, and a part of my still wants to, but I'm just not sure. I didn't love my first boyfriend instantly, because I didn't know enough about love to really understand it. It took probably a good year to really fall in love with him. Now, on the other hand, my current boyfriend was much faster than that. I fell in love with him after maybe a month of just hanging out, before we really started dating. Seems fast but we spent so much time with each other, that it was very easy. I knew everytime I saw him from far away and thought to myself, "He likes to spend his free time with me... I'm the luckiest girl in the world." I couldn't help but smile everytime I thought of him. And there was always the "butterflies", that feeling deep down in your stomach that you get whenever you see them, think of them, kiss them. It really is an amazing feeling.

But my point is, with both instances, I didn't have to ask anyone "What does love feel like?" or "How do/will I know if I'm in love?" You just... know.

How cliche.

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posted 05-01-2007 04:55 PM               

And the things people are expecting of me go far beyond never having a drink. Because I am not an abuser of substances. They expect me to follow a certain career path, they expect me to live in a certain place, to have a certain dog, to wear certain clothes, and to be a certain person that I don't want to be. They expect me to have hobbies that they themselves have, and they expect me to have similar religious and political beliefs.

Here's the kicker about their expectations... I'm someone else's kid. I was raised to be someone and something else. And I do not want to be what they think I should... I want to be what I think I should.

I would far rather spend my saturdays voulenteering with animals and my free time reading books than I would ever want to spend them in a sorority doing... whatever they do.

One of the biggest things I'm struggling with right now is the fact that I can not be religious around my family. I can't say grace over a meal, or go to church on sunday without being subject to scrutiny. I can not pray, or I should say let it be known that I pray, without being told that God would damn me to hell if I ever set foot in a church.

Why is that?

I want my family to accept the fact that I am a christian, and that I believe very strongly.

As far as having a wild night... it's not something I do often... and it was something I admit was stupid. But I felt so much better about so much afterwards. I don't feel like a failure anymore. And for the record, I would never, sober or drunk, do something that put someone else at risk.

Basicly my whole problem boils down to one thing... I have to choose between my old life and my new one. I have to choose between being the kid my parents were proud of or the kid someone else will be proud of... and it's putting a lot of pressure on me.

posted 05-06-2007 08:27 AM               

I keep searching the internet, but I can't find anything specific.

posted 05-07-2007 07:40 AM            

My guess would be swollen lymphnodes. There are tons of them under your arms, and they swell when, exactly what you said, fighting off an infection. It means they're doing their job and functioning properly.

posted 05-21-2007 05:12 PM            

Well on Friday I was informed that I have a stalker. My friends told me that this one person hacked into my myspace somehow to look at my pictures. Said person also kept asking my friends about me.He is leaving me comments on my myspace I just dont answer, and I don't know how hes doing it because hes not one of my friends (on myspace or in real life)so I can't even block him. He has already stalked numerous people, one of whom is my very close friend. She got her friends from another school to cuss him out, so he stopped stalking her. It's a bit different for me because I've never met him in my life and I don't think I can just go up to him and start threatening him.

posted 05-21-2007 05:20 PM            

If he goes to another school, tell your parents, and get them to notify the administration of his school.